Rowan's Reviews

Greetings elders. This is Rowan Payne or as most of you know me “The Ro-Dawg Jesse James”. Yes that is the Ro-Dawg chilling on the mantle in the main picture of Daddy’s blog. The camera loves me as you can see!! You would be amazed by the number of arranged marriage proposals that Daddy has received for the Ro-Dawg. Evidently the Ro-Dawg has BSA (Baby Sex Appeal)!! Daddy has graciously allowed the Ro-Dawg to guest post on his blog. Rowan has been trying to get a guest post in since the family came home from the hospital. The Ro-Dawg perfected the crazy good writing skills during his dreaded nursery stay at Crestwood. Evidently it is quite easy to escape the Crestwood Nursery when you have the brain of Jesse James. The now famous picture of the Ro-Train (yes, Rowan is aware of the many nicknames he has) in only his diapers with shades on tanning away for the future ladies was really a double in some of the pics. The one and only Mr. Dedrik Collins was gracious enough to play a role in the Ro-Dawg’s brilliant nursery escapes. See, Washington DC (yes, Ro-Dawg also likes nicknames and speaking in 3rd person) was in the next crib in the nursery. After several conversations, it became very apparent that Washington DC and Ro-Train looked very much a like except for the eyes and cheeks. Washington DC was very pleased that he looked similar to Ro-Dawg. He knew it would pay off a lot in the long run when the girls started to line up. When one of the nurses tried to set the Ro-Dawg up on date with her 5 year old daughter, Washington DC’s eyes popped out of his head. It was then that he was hooked to the Ro-Dawg. However, it would pay off for the Ro-Dawg sooner. The light bulb had went off (not literally because actually there was a huge light bulb tanning the Ro-Dawg). With the big flippin sunglasses on, Washington DC could be Ro-Dawg. Sure, his parents freaked out several times and the one nurse lost her job when he came up missing several times, but who is laughing now. Without his sacrifice, the Ro-Dawg would not have been able to enhance his boxing, art, singing, and among others, writing skills. The plan was in place. Washington DC pretending and pulling off being Ro-licious (you like that nickname) was the hard part but it was accomplished. The escape route was the easy part. Ro-Dawg just sky dived out of the crib and unsnapped the o’ diaper and used it as a parachute. Sure, there was a little naked body for the whole world to see, but what a sight for the world to see!! The Ro-Dawg then snapped the diaper back on and hid in the cabinet portion of a crib exiting the nursery. The cribs that Ro-licious speaks of were actually plastic tubs on cabinets with wheels. Cheap but served their purpose. Before the crib reached its destination room, Ro-Dawg would double flip out and head to Daddy BP’s and Mommy Erin’s room. Then he would snatch Daddy BP’s laptop away while he slept and would hide in the shower and surfed away on the internet. Returning to nursery prison was a bit harder. Since the nursery door was adult proof locked, the Ro-Dawg had to become creative in getting back in. Hopefully your curiosity is hitting right now. The Ro-Dawg can’t speak of the exact plan on returning to nursery prison but lets just say it involved a dress, a bottle of milk, dancing the Romba, blowing a hole in the huggies diaper, and letting the cute baby eyes do the work.

It only took Ro-Dawg three nights to learn the how to type and what the purpose of the explorer icon on the desktop was for. Evidently knowing how to turn a computer on and play solitary was genetically installed in Ro-Dawg (yes, Ro-Dawg did finally beat Spider Solitar). Ro-Dawg was extremely surprised Mommy Erin never found him in the shower in the thousand nightly bathroom trips she took. Mommy is one of the most intelligent women Ro-Dawg knows but evidently when you combine Daddy and Mommy to form a Ro-Train, he is smarter than both of them. So anyway, that is where the Ro-Dawg developed his keen since of typing and read up on many movie scripts. The Ro-Dawg has approximately read over 1200 scripts. Ro-licious is quite the fast reader. Scripts ranging from Little Ms. Sunshine to Lassie to The 3 Ninjas to Lord of the Rings were read by yours truly. Ro-Dawg became very familiar with actors and their traits/abilities by Googling every actor that popped up in the scripts. Ro-licious then found the site called youtube.com where you can actually watch movies. What a time saver that was Ro-Dawg also watched approximately 200 movies thanks to youtube.com (how long has that site been around). You may ask where did this desire to learn movies come from. Great question, maybe because the womb is not sound proof and Ro-Dawg heard the hundreds of movies/TV shows that Mommy and Daddy watched while the sexy limbs on the Ro-Train’s body were. Only hearing sound will create a great desire to put pictures with the sounds and thus a desire to watch movies was born. A boy can only hear so much Reba before he wants to see what Reba looks like and yes, what a great show Reba is!! Combine this with evidently inheriting some movie gene from the parents and BOOM, you have a “super hero infant movie junkie”. So Ro-Dawg is going to begin a series of movie reviews called “Rowan’ Reviews”. If the Ro-Dawg gets enough feedback, Daddy said he would allow Ro-Dawg to start his own blog. It is not that Ro-Dawg doesn’t know how to type in blogspot.com and register a cool blog name like Ridiculously Right Reviews: A Blog By Ro-licious, but the Ro-Dawg is all about respecting Daddy BP’s wishes. After long hours of reading and watching movies, it didn’t take the Ro-Train long to realize that many movies are worth no more than the stinky brown stuff that Mommy and Daddy clean off my butt that STINKS.

So here we go. What makes a good movie for Ro-Dawg? That is simple. The Ro-Dawg presents one word many times to you: PLOT, PLOT, PLOT, PLOT, PLOT. Ro-Dawg doesn’t care if it is a love story, mystery, horror, thriller, etc as long as there is a PLOT!! Most movies lack a decent plot. Most movies have good ideas but don’t build on the plot. A perfect example is Jumper. Great idea, people capable of jumping through “time”; however, the director Doug Liman should have told the writers David Goyer and Jim Uhls that they forgot to take the necessary time to walk through the history of how this ability came into existence. Not much should be expected from David Goyer since his biggest claim to fame was the Blade series (which scared pee out of me, literally, peed all over myself in the shower). But Doug Liman was a part of the Bourne Identity series and those movies speak for themselves. So Doug, you should know better. Sure, Jumper gave a quick 5 minute Cliff note version but the Eric Note Version was needed. Eric note means the WHOLE VERSION and is also Ro-Dawgs middle name. This blog is a perfect example of Ro-Dawg’s belief in building upon the history. If Ro-Dawg just started in on the movie review for today without giving you the detailed version (Eric Note Version) of where his ability of being able to review movies came from, then no respect would be given. Heck there may not be much respect anyway since you are reading what a baby sitting in a diaper full of that stinky brown stuff is telling you. You may think Ro-Dawg is just a cute baby who can type which is fine. So the Ro-Dawg has watched every type of movie and even sometimes finds himself telling Mommy to put in love story movies such has Definitely Maybe while other times he stays up late to watch a man movie like Bangkok Dangerous with Daddy. By the way, that movie should have been called “Dang, This Movie Smells Like Poop”.

So that is the history of Ro-Dawg movie skills. The next post Daddy allows me to do will be an actual movie reviews. Ro-licious just wanted to give you some background and also promote his new nickname Ro-licious. The Ro-Dawg just vomited all over himself so Mommy is already on her way down the hall to clean this sexy baby up. Life is grand! Nothing better than someone cleaning up the poop that comes out of your butt and mouth!!! Stay crazy blog readers, the Ro-Dawg will be back soon!!

Ro-licous is out!!